Is it too late?

On 18th dec 07, one night before our 5th anniversary, I finally decided to woo back my love but never did i expect that Earth suddenly turned into HELL for me when she told me she do not want to try again. I beg her pardon? Precisely, i thought i heard wrongly or i call the wrong person or i msg the wrong number. My world instantly descend into darkness.

Of course i was absolutely angry. i gave her time to accept me because i did wrong to her again n again. She is absolutely faultless. I am just shocked, surprised and overwhelmed by her answer. i scolded her which i regretted straight away. She told me i was too late, why did i like to do things late? Why did i leave her alone after what hurt her so much? Why did i even let another guy get close to her? All these while, i could not forgive myself, even till now, i cant forgive myself and i dun expect her to accept and forget. It is just too much for her. What i am experiencing now cant be compared to what she experienced when she was left alone at one corner. I was being so selfish and fucked up. I could not believe that i did that to someone i love so much. Call it karma or retribution; i am going through it now, going through the pain that she went through. I only wish for a chance, just a one last chance but she flatly denied me. I just died.

So on the 21st, i went to hohoho3 and wei hao's mansion. I could only confide in mer as the rest are happily making merry. I drank and drank. Shots became like water, feelings turned into pain, pain turned into tears. i want to forget this night because i hate myself for being such an irresponsible drinker. i thought it might just be like some people always say " Use alcohol to numb yourself and you will forget all the unhappiness."
That night, after i puked uncountable times, i cried myself to sleep. i know how you feel when you always cry alone in the dark. i want to be there for you but i cant go into your house. Now, i cant even open up your heart, what more your heart.

Despite all the hurt and pain and umpteen times telling myself to give up and she telling me to give up, i just could not give up. i really love her to the max, to the end of this world. Maybe i will give up there i breathe my last.
On x'mas eve, i wanted to ask her out to underwater world but she could not make it before the place closes. I had a sad and quite happy night. We finally managed to talk properly and i hope i did answer all her burning queries. But we had quite a DIY chocolate fondue. I hope she enjoyed that and it was reminising, just like how we were before. We planned to go prawning but in the end, all because of me, we cant go due to her puffy eyes. I made her cry again. When can i make her happy? Now, i can make her happy.

Finally, i am glad that i managed to fulfil her wish to go UUW cause we went early in the morning on x'mas and guess what, all the others were indians, malays or ah tiongs. We are probably the only s'porean chinese. I felt we had a fun day, she was smiling throughout. Finally she did not cry because of me. Although it was a short trip, i felt it was most enjoyable and just how we were last time, playing, taking photos, talking to each other like we cant finish talking.
Then we went Vivo to have our lunch at LJS. Her LV bag is like her precious and how i hope i can turn into that LV bag and gain all her care and attention. It is after so long that i felt happy shopping with her. This time round, i can really share her joy when she saw and bought something she like. I was being too self-centred in the past. But after we parted at Dhoby Ghaut MRT, my darkness came to surround me again and it has not left me even up till now while i am blogging.

Indeed, i was too pushy. People already said she dont want me and why do i still go and pester her? Seriously, I cant help it because i want her to know how i felt. And again, she firmly and flatly crush my heart again. Since the 18th, i cried to sleep every night. I really love this girl very much. I will give up anything for her but feelings have to be mutual. If someone doesn't like me anymore, i cant force her to. After all, the saying: "better be late than never" does not hold all the time. i'll give her the space she needs. i'll just quietly love her from afar. If there is anything she needs help on, i hope she knows who to call. After all, i am just too late.