Happy and sad

I'm happy that we can go out today and talk, joke easily, though probably not as close as last time but at least there are no awkward moments.

I still like to go out with her.

However, I have some questions inside me. Although we were not so physically close today, but I felt we were actually quite close at certain times. I wondered if she allows Shao to get so close to her. My mind starts to wonder after I see the way she took pics with Shao. One thing for sure is that she did not take initiative to get close to him but I just hope she will distant herself with him because guys tend to get the wrong idea easily. Although he is on her possible ladder, if she still wants the friendship intact, then proper measures have to be taken to handle this delicate matter. Maybe because we were once together so even though I might be close to her today, I still felt my chances are slim or even nil. I just hope that her feelings for me are not lost but actually were just hidden inside or covered thickly by distrust. At least if so, I can remove all the obstacles for her and we can create a chance for our relationship.

We talked alot today. We discussed about her perception of a relationship or probably even her expectation of a marriage. It's true that strong finance is important in a relationship and, right now, I cannot promise her anything so lavish and extravagant in future. At least I can assure that we will not starve or have to scrimp and save crazily next time. My dream is to make big money, and it is to make and not to bet and win big money. I have quitted all my vices, the most I do now is to drink a little occasionally, bet a little occasionally through frank or play mj sometimes. Maybe people tend to grow up after they encounter something life-changing in some part of their life. I do and in the midst of it I lost someone most precious to me. I have lost the privilege to care, cuddle, shop, eat, sleep, lie down, tickle each other, love, miss, get angry, get jealous and to do so many things we once shared together.

Indeed, we do have to move on but we can actually do it together. I told her that I would be hurt one more time before the 15th. She asked me how I would not be hurt, I told her if we get back together then I would not. Of course, seeking for her trust is just like climbing Mount Everest without an oxygen tank, it might be hard, it might be tough, it might be full of skeptism but I will just keep trying. If one day she can still discover her feelings for me once more, I certain do hope she will give us a chance to try again because I am a changed, brand new, system check all correct guy for her, just like how she insisted on wanting to change her non-faulty-turned-faulty hp to a non faulty one without wanting to drop that model for another one. I told her what they would change is at most the mother board(the inside) and return her a seemingly new phone with the outside actually still the same. I hope she understand what I mean.

Seek and you may be given, try and you may succeed, put in utmost effort and you will have no regrets.

But I will always have regrets if I cannot find back the treasure that I lost right under my nose.